The Magic of Christmas

I haven't been feelin it.

nada

zip

zilch

nothing

until today.  

I've been going through these past couple weeks hanging out with friends, listening to Christmas music, spending time with family, and even doing service, but it just didn't feel like Christmas this year.

I want to blame the lack of snow.

stupid non-snow. Who do you think you are?

best snow on earth, yeah... riiiight. Thanks Utah. Once again for the dissapointments.

anyway, back to what I was saying. I wasn't feelin Christmas. Yeah I gave a talk about Christmas and it made that Sunday wonderful. Thinking about the birth of Christ, meaning of Christmas, and enjoying the holiday made all the difference that day.  The following days, however, didn't really produce much "Christmas Spirit" I was thinking about Christ, being kind, listening to jingle bells, but yet nothing was really all that special.

I figured it out today. I've been participating in every part of Christmas except for the giving part, which is a pretty important part if you ask me. I gave my first gift 2 days ago to my brothers and the Christmas magic started to happen. Tomorrow I'm getting a gift for my dad and hoping to get flowers for my mom.I have a gift to finish still... (Sorry Linds, its in progress! Blame the bow-tie knowledge lacking skills) and some to give tomorrow.

Yes, Christmas is over, but it's never too late to give.

This will change your life

I love....

• a perfectly shaped ice-cream cone 
• knowing the difference between being alive and living
• snow days 
• not being alone :D
• the never-give-uppers 
• all the funny people
• new things
• that every day is a new day 
• changing what I don't like 
• not knowing what happens next 
• writing the next page of the story 
• 15 minute mourning periods followed with pasta

I miss...

• saturday morning cartoons
• swinging during recess 
• black and white movies
• old things
• sleep
• sunshine in the morning
• the days of "will you be my friend?" "okay"
• hammy the guinea pig 

Thought Purging

I keep this thing called a journal. I don't write every day, but I write a lot, often.

Sometimes it's menial things like what happened that day, or sometimes it'll be my thoughts on something I read that day, a scripture or quote or text.

More often, however, I go through these things called thought purges.
Instead of real vomit I go through word vomit.

Everything I've consumed in the past week (feelings, thoughts, discussions, events) gets spit out onto several pages. Some of my most meaningful/interesting journal entries are thought binges.
Why? Because they are just full of reflections and questions and uncensored thought.
As we get older, our thought processes change, especially mine. Looking back on these entries lets me see how I used to think versus how I think now.

I'm not the person I was yesterday, and I won't be the same person tomorrow.

sigh... Perhaps I change too much.

But what is life if not a continual process of self-betterment?

I love thought purges.
Today I purged relationships.

They scare me.

so bad.

This sounds like a contradictory statement since I've been in a relationship ever since I was 14 and have absolutely no clue how to "really be single" but everyone has their irrational fears I suppose.

I mean how well can you ever truly know a person? And what is it that I'm even afraid of? failure? commitment? physical closeness? trust?
Probably a bit of all of the above. hm. I guess I'll figure it out.
Time is the solution to every problem.
I've just got to give it some time.

Thoughts That Keep Me Up At Night

The key to unlocking the human mind can be found in the writings of deep thinkers.

As I have been here at BYU, I have noticed myself changing. Everyone tells me I change a lot, but I don't think its been ever so visible to myself as it is now. I'm realizing that as I read the works of philosophers, artists, activists, professors, and historians, my ability to connect thoughts, theories, and ideas is increasing. A deep thinking mind is something I wish we all could attain. There are too many people in the world who could care less about what and how they think. There is a great deal of constrained power within the human mind. Just think! We could do so much more if we would just THINK!

Tonight I was reading a letter from Birmingham jail by Martin Luther King Jr. and it made me ponder some things. Now, while I realize there are some who don't particularly place Martin Luther King Jr. on their own particular pedestals because of his adulterous errors, I personally find him to be an exemplary American hero. I do not believe mistakes discredit profound thought, and his mistakes only humanize him in my mind making his accomplishments that much more astonishing. 

In part of his letter, he discussed extremists who have changed the world. (Jesus Christ, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther, Paul, and Thomas Jefferson to name a few) I find extremism to be an interesting topic because, so often in our world, we're taught to avoid it. Especially in Mormon culture we're instructed to "avoid the extremes" and live life of moderation. Everything in moderation. 

Perhaps we are taught this because, in extremity, values, beliefs, and even fundamental humanistic qualities become drastically relative and easily changeable. 

Perhaps it is because moderation maintains consistency and we all know human beings thrrriiiive on consistency. 

Or perhaps its because there just aren't many of us who can be successful extremists. 

I honestly don't know.

All I know is that the great heroes of our history were those who were not afraid to be different. They weren't afraid to stand out, to be mocked and scorned, or to present unconventional ways of thinking. They were not those who sought to exert moderate opinions in an effort to maintain mediocrity. No, they wanted to change the world. Our historic heroes created nonconformist visions meant to be shared. They were the ones pointing out our complacency and asking us to over come it. 

DO better. BE better.

Think about it. Where would we be had Abe Lincoln chosen to take the stance of "just let the south have their slaves and the north will cope." instead of his powerful extremist view of "we will keep fighting this war no matter the cost until slavery is expunged from this union." Lincoln took the radical view of absolute abolitionism, and because of him, America stands as a beacon of freedom for all even today.

I realize, however, that we cannot all be extremists. In fact, most of us choose to take the conformist route in life. But those of us who will become the extremists, the nonconformists, and the society shapers, need to be cautious and careful. 

If you want to be different, change the world, and leave behind a legacy, it is your duty to be better than normal. Change can be a wonderful thing, as with the civil rights movement and Martin Luther King Jr., but all you have to do is take one glance at a few Holocaust photos and you will shudder with stunning remembrance of the corruption that can emerge from extremist views. 

So, in the words of Martin Luther King Jr., "The question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be."  

I have many more thoughts to write, but alas 2 A.M. approaches and classes will be here before I know it.

Goodnight.
I hope you enjoyed the thoughts that keep me up at night.

Do not hide your beautiful face.

It's only bananas that get ugly with time.

Remember to giggle once in a while.

and Laugh even when you feel like dying.

gifts SUCK

...Once upon a time...

I hate getting gifts. 

Seriously. No joke. I hate it. 

It's not like I'm against the whole "Christmas spirit of giving" thing because I believe that it is a wonderful part of Christmas. I just don't like being on the receiving end. I already have friends, family, love, education, and material wants like my car and clothes. There is nothing else that I really need. 

I'm happy with what I have.

This is how every Christmas goes. 

I mean heck, I asked for a teapot, some headphones, and salt and pepper shakers... for Christmas.

"No, seriously what do you want?" - The parents

um... Literally, I would be FINE getting those 3 gifts in total. HONEST. 

Don't mistake me as a "holier than thou" doo gooder wishing my gifts away to others so that I can feel better about myself. That's not it all. No doubt sub for santas or soup kitchen volunteering would make me happier than gift receiving, but that's just the type of person I am. I can't help that. 

But it is more than that. 

It's that I feel WRONG getting gifts. Not that I don't deserve them because I think I'm a despicable human being or something like that. I like myself. I just think others deserve the gifts more.

Most people would jump for joy to open a gift, spy inside, and see a brand new guitar or perhaps a new snowboard with a giant bow. But me? No. I open a box, look inside and go... hm. That's $900 that could have provided Christmas for another family but it'll just end up in the garage collecting dust.

The worst part of this all? Wearing my emotions on my sleeve. When I open a gift, I try REALLY hard to make it look like I'm SOO excited to get it. But then my mom will go "You don't like it do you?" and my response usually ends up being similar to the collecting dust statement. 

sigh. 

I wish for Christmas instead of trying to buy me things people would give me their time. Or do things with me. Do you realize how much longer a memory lasts than a physical gift? Going to temple square with a group of friends to have a blast for FREE is worth soo much more to me than some new ipod that will be out of date and forgotten by next year anyway.

I think Christmas should be changed. It shouldn't be a time of gift giving but rather a time of time giving. Anyone can stop by the bath and body works, pick out a lotion, and pass it off to a friend as a "hear-felt" Christmas gift, but it takes a true friend to give you a day of their busy schedule to go sledding or photo-shooting. 

Can't we all do a little better this Christmas? 

Can't we all put the love back into the spirit of Christmas?